The Gist of the Truth.

Yesterday while surfing a few of my friends' myspaces, I stumbled upon this one of a girl who's in my second period U.S. History and fifth period Science class.. As I continued to read it, I noticed that she was probably exactly opposite from what I thought she was. I don't really know how much to say it, but she wasn't the bitchy, slut, rapper-girlfriend wanna-be I thought she was, or what she put out. So I commented on her myspace telling her that without meeting her, I would never really quite know the meaning of the quote "Don't judge a book by its cover.". Isn't it funny how you can quote things but never really know what they mean until you experience something like it? But after leaving that comment on her myspace, she commented on mine telling me that before this year, before meeting me, she never knew that it was "okay to be well smart yet also be kool..". It kind of made me feel like I'm here for a reason, like I'm needed. She sent me a message on myspace later telling me that because of me she's been trying harder at school because I made her realize that she is smart and that she can do the things she wants to in life. I don't know if many people get the chance to be acknowledged in that sort of way, but it really does mean a lot. I do hope that at some point in life, everyone gets to experience this feeling. It's simply the best.

Well, yesterday before this whole thing, I tried to type a journal entry and I was just about done after typing for about half an hour when my computer went crazy-weird and it deleted it all, which pissed me off, but hey, who ever said you could trust computers? But anyways, the point is I was going to tell you in basic terms what I was writing last night. Well here it goes:

Well, there's been a lot on my mind lately; the only downer to it is that I don't really know how to start, but I'll try to explain it from the beginning. A few weeks ago, me, Dwyer, Lennon and a few other people went to the movies to see Flight Plan (it was a good movie, by the way). But when we got home, Lennon had spilled his guts to me about an undying love since the 6th grade to a certain girl. This whole entry is going to sound vain, by the way. But I knew who this girl was, I mean I'm not stupid. I see that Lennon has always had feelings for me. He tells me that I'm the reason why his previous relationships have never worked. And t be honest, it sucks to be in my position because I feel like I'm the one barrier between him and happiness. I feel like it's my fault that he can never be happy with someone else, or be in love with someone else like everyone else claims to be. But anyways. So he admitted to me all these feelings and it just made my jaw drop, you know? It was really overwhelming at first because even though I knew it all already, I just didn't know it went to such an extent; although I'm sure it jus exagerated because of the fact that the conversation was spur-of-the-moment.

But this is the part that annoys me. Well during this conversation, Lennon made a promise to me that he would like this girl and keep liking her; take a break from relationships for a while until he is certain this girl wants to be with him. But he's not. He's with this girl Lindsay. I mean I like her and everything because she really is a nice person. But I don't know. I don't know why I let it get me annoyed.. My feelings for Lennon are quite complicated, and I really don't think anyone wants to hear of them right now, so I won't explain. But lets just say I'm a very confused little girl. I have a feeling that I always will be.

The gist of the truth: Sometimes, all you need is sitting just in front of you. Or maybe even just behind you.

-Kristina.

When those two words are spoken, they should be feared. Feared worse than those three words. "I promise." are two damn scary words. They're either empty, filled with hope, but nothing more, after all, the gases of hope are merely transparent wishes that are never acounted for in the weight of real responsibility. Or promises can be kept, meant to be fulfilled by the person who gives it to another who receives. Promises also change with time. In 1997, I could have promised my first kindergarten boyfriend that I'd get married to him, but will that really happen in the future? I never saw him after that year actually. But I don't know. Promises always seem like a waste of time to me. I mean, reguardless, I make them with the intention of keeping most of them. But don't you ever see promises as tedious wastes of breaths that you could be using to save a country, to voice your opinion, to do something! other than promising your word.

My promises are always more trustworthy than my swears are, but after writing all of that up there, how could you tell, really? But in some weird way, I miss having to be promised love forever and ever. You know something I noticed? Ever since who knows when, I've had this nervous tap that I do when I don't have anything else better to do with my time. It's funny because it's never on beat. But anyways.. So as I was saying about my promises and what not. I love being promised things, even if I know in the back of my head that they can't be fullfilled, because at that moment, all at the same time, things all come to place and seem like they can be, feel like they will be, even if they won't. I miss being careful about my relationship with Evan by promising "...even if we won't be together by then." or "Be careful... We may not be together in the future." or "I'm just prepping you for your next girlfriend, so..."... Because even if that's what I said, that's not what I meant. I had it in my head that we'd be together forever, but forever never came. Or did it? Did it pass me by without me even seeing? I hope not.. That's just a promise for failure, now isn't it...?

The gist of the truth: A promise is never a promise till it's broken.

Kristina.

You know the sad thing about me being with Alan? I don't even remember when he asked me out. I mean I was happy at first when he asked me out, but o well, I mean if I can't even remember the date anymore, then you know there's a problem.

Well, the gist of it is that Alan and I are o-v-e-r, and it honestly doesn't bother me. I think this is how Evan felt after we broke up; emotionless and closed; I could be wrong though, lord knows I hope so. But anywho. So yeah, yesterday I called Alan up because I had been putting it off for a while and well, the sole purpose of the call was to break up with the kid. He rambled, on and on, just prolonging it. He knew I was withdrawing from him, and he knew I had been ever since after the dance. But I don't know. I haven't broken up with someone since.. June 16, 2004. You know how I remember that? It was the date I broke up with Daniel Greger and started going out with Erik. Daniel was the last boy I broke up with. I knew I was so rusty though. Isn't that sad? I consider myself rusty from not breaking up with someone in over a year. Honestly though, that makes me proud to say, "Damn it, I haven't broken a heart since the end of 6th grade." of course excluding yesterday.

Anyways. Yes. So. Well, after I...did it... I called Winona, dissolved into tears because I don't even know why. It wasn't Alan I missed really, it was more the fact that I was crying because again, I tried to find that happiness in someone I hadn't felt since Evan and Erik and Gary, and yet again, I failed. I tried to get into the swing of the whole relationship thing too quickly. I have to make myself less available again. Before Evan, it was eight months of pure solitude; dependent on myself and the friendships I had with my friends, thankful that I didn't have to worry about all those stupid relationships. I just have to get back to that mind set for a while. But damn, I'm gonna miss having someone to hold me when I get lonely. The one thing friends just can't provide for.

The gist of the truth: Love.. so over-rated. Or is it?

Kristina.

Last night, Lennon told me how well Alan resisted from"temptation" at that party last weekend. I can't tell you how proud I felt to have a boyfriend like him that actually likes me enough to not do that kind of stuff, but still, no matter what, I can't get those feelings back. I think it was the whole fact that they had to be hidden--secret--in the first place, and now that they aren't or they don't have to be, it completely ruins the feel, the general over-view of it all. I love that whole element of a harsh reality, hidden lies and secrets, torn judgement and deceit; when it ran out of the relationships I've been in, I guess that's when I thought it was boring and bland. I am going to be one violent person when I get older.

I was reading someone's blog toay, home world, I think it's called. It wasn't the sex that attracted me to it, but I won't lie to you, it did arouse my interest a little just to see how people viewed it, but that's beside the point. Anyways, basically the reason this one entry had interested me was because it talked about how she wanted to be hurt, how she basically wanted to be overpowered, although she still wanted to be in control. I can't explain it any better, but sometimes, that's how I feel about being with Alan. He's too gentle with me; like I'm porcelain or something fragile. Sometimes I just want him to tell me what to do, for him to look at me and tell me the way things are going to go, but then I always have this thing in my mind that I'm always the dominant one. I love being in control; feeling the world beneath my feet, as if I'll always be ontop. I don't know what I want anymore, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon.

I probably shouldn't be typing this here right now, but somehow, I seem to be fixated on this idea that I'll someday be marrying my best friend, or a best friend; AKA Lennon. I haven't the slightest idea why I feel this way, but it occured to me the other day when Lennon was really nervous for their gig at a party that night. It was nervous chatter, which didn't really matter to me; I still got to talk to mi best buddy. I hate when I get those feelings for him; the ones of friendship mixed up with anger and hurt as well as optimisim and all kinds of other nice stuff. I just sometimes want them to all disappear, but then I remember that maybe one day it might happen. God, I'm a lunatic. They really need to lock me up.

The gist of the truth: Never say never. Remember that old saying? Well what if you always say always..? Maybe you should never say always say always. Someone might get confused.

Kristina.

I haven't written anything in here for a while.. Nothing in my life has really been anything of interest; anything good enough to elaborate on. Since I last posted, I think I had already said that I was going out with Alan; not an unexpected move, really, but now, something's wrong. I really just feel so suffocated with him. I always get like that with all of them. But with Alan, it's like the way he acts makes it so obvious that he's so much younger than me. The age difference in the same between Winona and Kyle, but it's completely different because at this age, going out with someone who's about 13 or 14 months younger and being a girl is a HUGE difference. I feel like his mother most of the time, always explaining what and what not to do; its like an embarresment, and I know thats bad, but I don't know what else to do about it.

Besides from that disgustingly sad and embarressing note, Lennon and I had gotten ourselves into a fight last week about him not going to this friend bonding thing that we had set up... It's better now, thank god, but I guess it was just something to complain about, both here and to him. Let's see... What else is new? Oh, I know.

I have come to the realization that I would rather not be in a relationship right now; rather, just have fun and enjoy being a kid. I'm so tired of having to be co-dependent (I guess I am admitting that I am). I'm so tired of wanting something I can't have; that thing, I still don't know what it is. I just want to know what things will work out the way I want them to, but I don't quite think they will without breaking a heart or two, mine included. I don't think that things will work out the way I want them to because I'm over analyzing the whole situation. I think too far ahead into the future with the consequences, keeping me chained to the things that I don't want, but when it comes to the things that I love, the people I love, it kills me to look to the future and make plans, because it'll revive me just to kill me again because I know all these made plans won't be fullfilled. It scares me. But my problem is I don't want to show I'm vulnerable. I have to be strong. No matter what.

The gist of the truth: Strength is such a flexible word. You can twist it and mangle it to fit the definition you want.

-Kristina.

I came home from a school dance about an hour or so ago. Lennon's band played, the one Alan's in, and wow, it was so awesome (a word I seldom use)!! But basically, the dance itself was kind of sucky after Lennon and the whole "Blank Tape" band stepped off, but other than that, it was all good. I did after all get to spend the rest of the time with Alan. Its kind of funny, but I have this weird feeling that I'm not going to be known as "...the girl who went out with the drummer...". I swear, so many people came up to us today asking "So, you're the drummer?" or "That's you're boyfriend?" or "Are you two going out?" or "So you're going out with the drummer?". Funny stuff. But it got kind of annoying after the hundredth person. I felt so bad for Alan though, because afterwards, he was really tired, but Mrs. Zucker, a teacher that was setting up the dance, etc., came up to him right after they played and apparently started telling him that she would make sure they would never play at the school again. I felt so bad.. But I was so... how can I put this into words.... proud of him. I know that sounds weird, but that's how I felt. Not much else to justify it, really.

But I don't know. Being with Alan felt so....weird; like a pleasant weird. I like being with him. I like how he puts his hand on the small of my back when we walk. I like how he takes hold of my hand, ever so gently as though he doesn't want to squeeze too tight. I like how he puts his hand on my knees so tenderly, and uses my leg as a sort of a drum, tapping his fingers to it as though he were trying to find the perfect rhythm. Thats why I felt bad when he asked me if it was alright that he kiss me. Oh my god, I felt like my heart leapt out of my chest and I could float away, but.. I didn't. I didn't kiss him. I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to do it, but before I was about to, pictures, images, little anecdotes of me and Evan, they popped into my mind, playing like a record, like a home movie. But I felt so bad after seeing the disappointment in his face. I felt horrible. I just don't know why. Why couldn't I do it?!? But I don't feel like beating myself up over something that will be solved in a matter of days.

The gist of the truth: Funny stuff may be funny for a while; until its simply not.

Kristina.

What a weird day. Well, school's out because of now, a Hurricane, Rita. I just hope they don't cancel school tomorrow. That would be horrible. Its so weird, but I really do want to go back to school for numerous reasons, one of which happens to be my new boyfriend!

I guess I'm happy I'm with Alan now; I finally have an outlet for my sexual need of attention, etc. But its so.. I don't know. I know that he's gotten too attached, and it's only been a day. We were on the phone yesterday, and I don't know, I could just hear how excited he was, and I felt really bad because I can tell you right now, I'm no where near as happy to be with him than he is to be with me. I guess it's ok for now, because afterall, that's how it was with Evan in the beginning, but I just really hope things get better as we're together for longer.

Well, asside from all that, well, there really isn't anything other than that, and I'd rather not get in depth with the whole asking out thing, because lord knows who really wants to hear that story anyway. If I were a reader of this journal, I would pray that I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty, so I'm not going to (you're welcome!). So I guess that's all there is now, huh?

The gist of the truth: There's always more to a story than what's said.

Kristina.